(no subject)

[transient_orange]

The past few weeks have been hard on me. I've been moody, irritable, and anxious. I've been bitey and overly opinionated, and I'm working on that.

I've decided that it's something I need to work on. I don't want to be a bitter old lady, I want to be a happy one, with cookies, hugs, and strength - so I need to start making changes now. It's going to take time, but there is more good in me than bitterness, and I'm working on my health issues.

So I'm going to work on things. I'm going to work on placing my overbearing mothering aside, push away the judgemental part of me (though I will forever be a skeptic on certain things), and do my best to be a better person.

I guess I've unknowingly hurt people in the past, and now they think that I'm horrible and a bitch. I never have meant to hurt anyone - besides, back then, if I meant to, you'd know it. I'm not one that easily hides any emotion. I feel that even though my feelings may be a bit of a rollercoaster ride, that I'd rather feel the broad spectrum. Now that I've been on meds that help make the spikes less, I understand now that I feel better with the gentle hills rather than the crazy hills, loops, and spirals.

I want to be solid. I want to offer the best side of me to my friends. Hell, I want to offer the people that need me the whole package - someone that is loving, caring, and happy. I'm working on this. I'm trying. I don't want to hurt people. Hell, I don't want to hurt me. So thanks for being here for the ride, hopefully it will even out even more.

*hugs to all*

Comments

[starfallz.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Good luck. I'm trying to work on myself and make myself better too. It is hard. Keep at it!

[generalbethlehm.livejournal.com]

I love it when my friends open their hearts and bare their souls like this. You're the best, and not in need of much improvement. I'll try to make a trip to PA with my fiancee, but that doesn't let you off das hook about coming to see me! We may be moving to Shrewsbury soon. I'll keep you posted. Dude.

[susandeer.livejournal.com]

I think you'll be a delightfully, spunky ol' lady, because you're already delightfully spunky! *snug* But the occassional BITCHfest is necessary. Too much delight and spunk for too long at a stretch can make one just as wound up and ready to SPROING badly as being too bitchy for too long.

Speaking of BitchFest, I need to color my hair again soon. How about you?

[scavengerchild.livejournal.com]

Thanks hon. You help keep me spry. :) Yeah, the occasional BITCHfest is necessary, and I've been happy to have you around to hang out with and talk with.

I can be available whenever. Right now the only thing I'm waiting on is Glasses Galore to call me for my glasses. Other than that, I free for hair coloring, hanging out, and good times. Got to get my fill while you're still in town!!

*hugs*

[ceregera.livejournal.com]

I don't know kid, I've never known you to be judgemental. You've always been cool with me, never judged me or anything.

[scavengerchild.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I don't think I ever have been judgemental of you. You've always been a good friend, and it makes me happy to have a friend like you.

From a bitter OLD man....

[mondojojo.livejournal.com]

Sometimes one has to be judgemental in order to make people see something that they would rather not see. That they are clouded to. It's no big deal. Being hard has to be done to some people.. if not, then they'll hit a wall by themselves and you would blame yourself for not trying you know?. Sometimes hurting someone comes with the territory, some people let the wound hurt, some people understand why opinions are being said. It's frustrating when some people can't see your ideologies. But that's being human and the burden of having emotions.:)

Re: From a bitter OLD man....

[scavengerchild.livejournal.com]

I agree with you, but I'm beginning to believe that maybe I need to back off in some ways and let people hit that wall. If I can help when they've come back to, then I will, but I really can't keep doing what I used to do. As much as I care, and as much as I'd like to do so much, I know that people just got to live their lives.

I do have to say that I appreciate that you are still here. I know we've had our differences and I'm glad that despite that, we've managed to get through it and still talk. I do miss talking to you on AIM, but I rarely on right now, getting my own life in order. I still enjoy reading about your life on your journal.

Thanks again, James. I care about you... you bitter old man.