transient_orange: (akito)
[personal profile] transient_orange

I called the doctor yesterday to make an appointment. The anxiety issues are getting to be too much and I just wanted to get something to stop my heart from pounding and my breathing to go all funny before I go to bed at night.

As soon as I have insurance I have a lab request sheet to get another tsh test. I decided today to ask her if she had the results, just in case, back in September I had heard the lady on the phone wrong. Yes, I heard her right. My tsh as of September was 78.65. Mind you normal is between .5 and 5.5. I figure if I'm luck, I may be around 45 or 50 right now. I seriously wonder what it will be like to finally be on the proper amount of meds and have that level down to where it's supposed to be. Will I have so much energy that I'll bounce off the walls? Will I want to take on the world? Will I have the libido of the darkside again? Will I be able to write again? It's all strange things to think about, but I could write before, my libido was overwhelming, and well, it would be nice to have confidence and energy again. Hell, losing the weight I've gained would help too, though it's a battle that I'm not winning right now, which from everything I gather, it's damned hard to lose weight when your tsh levels are shit.

It would be nice to drop down to a size 8. It would be good to not have anxiety attacks. It would be nice to have energy and have the god forsaken headaches go away. So, in January I get my blood tests and then get my physical. The RN and I joked about that, she saying that she would torture me and me saying that I looked forward to it. I also look forward to getting my eyes tested and getting my teeth scraped and my gums hating me. I'll take these things happily, just so I can feel better.

The good things, well, I've got a lovely relationship and I'm happy with that. I've got two beautiful cats that live with me, and two that live with my family. I'm alive, and breathing semi-easily. I've got good friends, a roof over my head, and food to eat. I have a lovely Winter Tree.

Life is not bad, it's just hard sometimes. It gets so easy to focus on the crap and not the good things. It doesn't help that I have a disposition to become overwhelmed by things and make boulders out of jelly beans. I'll get better at this. I have a feeling that I will probably be on anti-depressants for a long time to come. I had that problem long before my tsh levels went out of wack. But for those of you that feel anxious, are gaining weight that you can't lose, and have other problems similar to mine, go get the blood test. Make your quality of life better, because it's worth it. I still feel like I'm only living a half life because I feel like hell most of the time. I want to change this. Granted, my quality of life will go up when things regulate, and maybe I'll take the country by storm and try to actively let people know our government sucks and things need to be changed, otherwise, my life quality will be better, but my liver will be paying the price of my knowledge. Ignorance is bliss, until it starts fucking you up the ass.

Date: 2005-12-20 05:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*hugs* good luck with that. I hate anxiety attacks! I always get them over the smallest things.

Date: 2005-12-20 07:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*hug* How soon will you be able to get insurance? There are a few things I was looking at...they wouldn't accept me because I'm too young and I'm sterile so there's no chance I'll have kids, but PEHP is otherwise a pretty good program. And Cobra, if you can look into that one.

Hang in there...

Date: 2005-12-20 08:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm guessing as of January 1, my insurance will kick in. I can't wait to get that blood test.

I have another friend that had some problems trying to get insurance, they were all up in arms about her being too young and too thin. Some people are just naturally very thin, I wish I still were.

I'm surprised that companies freak out about patients being too young. People need insurance. Otherwise doctor's bills are outrageous.

You hang in there too, hon.


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