(no subject)

Dreams of ticks, magpies, and images of suicide bombers blowing themselves up, combined with me staring at the ceiling for a good long time, does not make for a good night. I actually got up at 4 am and read a book for about an hour. Went back to bed and tossed and turned some more.

Not to mention that I feel like utter shit. Maybe I've come down with something, or something I ate yesterday decided to kick my ass. I don't know. I want to sleep, but I think the cats or the bed might eat me.

On a funny note though, I fell asleep for a little bit and woke to myself talking and E going, "Shush." I only remember uttering something about a magpie, but he told me I said very loudly in his ear, "I've never seen a magpie so quiet. Where'd you get the magpie?" Wish I could remember the context of what was happening in the dream.

(no subject)

It's one of those weeks that I actually feel like writing. Ususally, I've only been writing if I'm bored, or feeling particularly apathetic. Apathy is my bane right now, but it's moved in like a best friend. I prefer depression, because then I feel like there's a reason for feeling like my limbs and mind are locked down, but apathy makes me irritated, because it just means that I don't care. I guess I do care some, because I wouldn't be complaining about it if I didn't.

I hate the heat. Scratch that, I hate the humidity. I live for the air conditioner in the summer.

Been thinking, being jobless now, do I take a retail job that I can get now, that will have me doing something, fighting the apathy and making some cash, or do I wait out for the ever elusive office job, that would be just week days? Right now the prospect of a part time retail job sounds heavenly, even if I can do better, I'd rather get something, and go from there.

The other thing I'm thinking is, I want to stay with a job for a couple of years at least, barring that I don't move out of the area. I want to have something steady and just there. I could do the part time, and do college courses. I'd love to do the college courses, but fear the debt of financial aid. I shouldn't, but I've already been in debt and I don't want to add to any outstanding bills that are already there. I'd be bringing in money and bettering myself, and most importantly, I'd be doing something with myself, rather than fighting depression and apathy.

Then after that I fear not having time to do the things I need to do... but right now the sense of responsibility is more important. Sure, the money is important, but it really is secondary right now. I mean there are ways of taking care of everything and still being able to have a life. This all makes my tummy hurt and leaves me feeling worried. I want to have a plan, I want to make my way, but I'm always worried that I'm going to make the wrong choice, or I'm going to screw something up for someone else. Right now I just need to worry about me, but damn that's so hard.

I don't know... I'm babbling and I'm hoping that I'm not being cloudy on what I'm thinking, because I get so frustrated when other people do that on their journals. Oh well, Igrrrr.