Feb. 10th, 2011

transient_orange: (pretty)
Part of growing up (no matter what age you are) is realizing that if someone is fucking up their lives and refuse to see it, and there isn't a fucking thing I can do about it. I hate doing that, but when it comes down to whether I'm hurting myself emotionally for someone that couldn't give a fuck less about their own lives or the damage their doing to themselves, I'm only hurting me - not them. They'll never recognize that someone is giving a shit and trying actively to help, because they are so far down the spiral that all they can see is themselves.

People that care are just obstacles, at that point, in their continued destruction of themselves. They will trample, say hurtful things, and ignore the person that would give so much of themselves to help them. I'm sick of being trampled, ignored, or getting a verbal lashing when I've tried to help someone. I'm even more sick of the worry or time I've invested in people that couldn't give a fuck less. I wasted my own time and it's just burnt me enough that I don't want to deal with it anymore. And it's my own sanity at risk, and frankly someone else's destruction of themselves is not worth my sanity.

There are a lot of things I see wrong with a few people that just keep bashing their heads into the same damned concrete wall. Then they turn to the people around them and wonder aloud at the fucking headache they have, that they can't seem to understand where it came from. Pointing out that they've been bashing their head into a concrete wall that they refuse to see, but go back to time and time again, is like trying to revive roadkill that's bloated and crawling with maggots.

This also goes with negativity. Some people honestly thrive off of it, which is completely beyond me. It becomes an emotional drag when people can only complain about how their ex completely fucked up their lives and what a lousy, horrible person that man/woman is. Time to move forward. I hear it too often, and now I realize how E felt hearing about my ex-roommate. Lesson learned, if it bothers me to hear someone else bitch, then I should put my money where my mouth is and stop doing it myself. Can't lead by example, but I can sure as hell try to change the things in myself that drive me absolutely batshit in someone else.

So yeah, I've gotten to the point that I can't give a fuck about people that refuse to help themselves. I can't coddle or attempt to help someone that just doesn't give a fuck about themselves. I don't want relationships with them, and I'll probably distance myself friendship-wise with them. I'll stick around, but for the most part they will be given a label in my head that says, "How not to live." I won't thank them for the stupidity, but I guess I can thank them for the object lesson - because it means that I don't have to live it.

I'd write some kind of disclaimer here, about feelings of other people and shit, but I feel as though that would be pointing fingers. This is really just a post to recognize my own intolerance to bullshit. I want to live a life that is as close to free of bullshit and drama as I can get. If that means taking a step back and going, I don't want this, I see nothing wrong with that. I'm taking care of me for once, and I think that's the best thing I can do. Maybe it will make me a better person, maybe it won't. But it will mean less stress, less hamster wheel of doom, and more content and happiness in my daily life. It will mean no more hours spent worrying about someone that I can't do a fucking thing for, and those are precious hours of my life that I can spend doing things that add to my life, rather than subtracting from my sanity. Maybe I'm emotionally evolving, or maybe there is a part of my mind that has just finally grown up.

Amended: One thing I remember reading that made an impression on my life and is currently resurfacing is about friendship. Someone who takes your time and never gives back, isn't truly a friend. A person that shares your time is a friend, but the person that gives their time is to be cherished. I like getting back at least the sharing, but the giving usually results in a wonderful friendship that time and distance can't erase. I'm glad I've been able to experience both the sharing and giving, but I'm too tired to have people only take and never return at this point in my life.

The actual quote: "There are many who would take my time. I shun them. There are some who share my time. I am entertained by them. There are precious few who contribute to my time. I cherish them."

Amended again: I realize I have no to blame but myself for my current feelings. The people that disappoint me did not go out of their way to disappoint me. They don't even know they disappointed me, probably never will. I tend to forget and try to play the fairness game, but life isn't fair and people are rarely fair. I guess I just have to watch out for myself and damn the consequences otherwise. After all, when it comes down to it, I'm only responsible for me.


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